What's In My Heart

I was feeling some kind of way this past week. I just gave up--the hope of being married, having some person on this earth love me enough to want to be with me forever and give me babies. I didn't really give up hope, I just told myself that I didn't want it unless God wanted it for me so I put it out of my mind.

See....

All last year I thought and thought and was plagued by the thought of being married and in a loving relationship and raising children and all that thinking and meditating on that got me sidetracked. I didn't want to go throug the sidetracking this year. I didn't want to be derailed, so I "let it go," or at least made a mental effort to let it go. While doing that I just threw caution to the wind (I let it go as the song says) and decided that since I wasn't getting married anytime soon (or at least there are NO prospects) that it was okay for Mister and I to be friends or at least for us to have a pseudo relationship. I mean, he is the ONLY person that I really talk to and I really don't like that fact, but it's true. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I don't feel comfortable baring myself to anyone else. I thought I would be able to do that with my husband, but I don't have one of those, so he is it. But the problem with this relationship is that it is toxic. We don't agree on anything and we are like two left feet--a lot of pain, awkardness, and not pretty at all. So, this isn't a good relationship. But, God what do I do? I have no one else that I can let my guard down with.

Side note:

I love watching How to Get Away with Murder. And the absolute BEST scene ever when when Annalise takes her wig off. I love it. She is not afraid to show those closest to her, who she is. I wish I could do that. I wish I could just let my hair down and take my girdle off.

God, what am I supposed to do? You made me to be a relational person, but I can't relate to anyone.

HELP ME!!

I can't continue to be this way!!!

HELP ME, PLEASE!!!

So, that's what's in my heart.

Then there is the pride that God keeps showing me.

I hate the pride and I want it OUT!! In JESUS Name. Amen!!

I'm sitting here at Panera Bread listening to a couple talk to a realtor about buying a home.

Another thing that is in my heart is that fact that I am horrible with money and I have no discipline and that makes me sad. REALLY REALLY sad. I mean I spent $20,000 last year and I can't figure out how or where and God has blessed me, I mean REALLY BLESSED ME and I want to return to HIM what He has given to me by my obedience. I mean, I can NEVER repay God for what He has done for me. I can NEVER do that, but I CAN be obedient, but I'm not and it makes me sad.

I guess I'm thinking that when I get married, this man will help me stay disciplined. Maybe that's what my problem is. I mean, God, isn't that what marriage is supposed to do...help the person become better. Maybe I'm looking at marriage all wrong. I know I can only change by the grace of God, but maybe I'm looking for too much in a man. What's the point of getting married then? The Bible does tell me that it's better to marry than to burn. So that's helping...RIGHT??

God, help me out, please??

But, that's what's in my heart...a person that I can help and he can help push me in the things of God!! I can help him and he can help me. We can both walk together in fulfilling out purpose.

I have laziness in my heart!!

I want to do the things of God, but I also want to be carefree. Not really carefree, but I want to just relax and go through life....relaxed...not having to work hard for things and I know I can't do that. I can't do anything without hard work and hardwork is not something that I like. That's why I'm so fat. I don't work hard or at least I stopped working hard on myself. I worked hard in college because there was a goal I was reaching for.

God, what are my goals now? The only thing I want now is what God wants for me, but I don't know what God wants except for what's in his word. I don't know specifics. The only vision I have for my life is helping others come to Christ which I'm not doing either. And that's another thing in my heart. I don't make an effort to befriend anyone and talk to people. What do I talk about?

God, help me because my heart is not in a good place!!!!! And I've come WAY TO FAR to turn back now!!! I'm out in the deep so I NEED to GO ALL THE WAY!!!