So Embarrassing

I got to church this morning at 9am, went the office and quickly got my clothes ironed and on.  When I went upstairs I noticed others dressed in black.  Darn!! I had forgotten it was 1st Sunday and on 1st Sunday all the leaders and clergy dress in black.  Since I"m a leader in the church I had to have on my black, so back downstairs I went to find black.  I was actually happy to be changing because my pantyhose had been ruined and I didn't have any money to get new ones and I thought I was gonna have to go bare legged for the duration of the service.  But because I changed into black I was able to wear my black boots that I had donated to our church rummage sale, but they didn't sale because it was summer time.  I simply got them out of the basket and they complimented my outfit well. 

I got up stairs in enough time for prayer and then to get into position before service started not realizing that they had changed the order of service.  After prayer I was supposed to greet the congregation, but I didn't know.  No one told me and since I wasn't in my place during the prayer--I was in the sanctuary instead--I wasn't told the new order of service.  I was so embarrassed standing up there not realizing that I was supposed to go, but everyone knew I was supposed to go.  I felt so bad for messing up the order of the service.  I couldn't really enjoy the message because I was so upset that I screwed up and everyone knew I screwed up.  Dag, now I"m gonna have to call my pastor and apologize for being out of place.  I kept trying to figure out why this happened.  As much as I want to do right and live holy and be used by God, it seems that I keep making a mess of myself!

It's frustrating to see so much potential, but to have it not be fulfilled.  I want to be fulfilled. 

Earlier this year, I sat down to talk to my pastors wife and she told me that God showed her that my life was like a thread hanging on a piece of fabric and the longer the thread was being pulled, the more the fabric was being torn into shreds.  She told me that if I didn't let go of my past, I was going to unravel and I believe I'm where I am now because I've held on to old hurt and pain and embarrassment and things that were done to me and things that I've done to myself, now I have nothing.  But I want to pick up the pieces. I want to get myself together.  I know I can't do it in my own strength, God, please help me!