The Root of Bitterness

One of the roots of bitterness is unforgiveness.

For about two years, my heart has been broken because I had a friend who hurt me badly.  We were friends in college and had been friends for over 10 years.  In December 2008, all that changed.  It wasn't all his fault.  I was being disobedient to God and it caused us to not be friends anymore.  I wouldn't speak to him, he'd call me to try to apologize and I'd tell him he was forgiven, but I was so hurt that I wanted him to hurt too.  I wanted to tell him how badly he hurt me!!

I kept telling myself to let it go, but everytime I thought about it, my heart hurt and I would cry.  I would want to call him and get him told.  In July of this year after not seeing him since 2008, I found out that he had graduated with his Ph.d (I was supposed to go to his graduation) and he had a new job with the state in the same city that I was working in (He lives about 3 hours from me).  I was so happy for him.  He had spent a lot of time working on his degree.  I wanted to celebrate him, but because my heart was broken and because I was mad at myself for allowing the situation to happen, I couldn't celebrate him.

Well, I decided to send him a card.  I just put my initials on it, so he didn't know it was from me.  A few weeks later I went to see him at his new job.  I told him it was me that sent him the card.  We were amicable, but the spirit wasn't right.  I was still hurt and I wanted to tell him how hurt I was.  But, I let it go and didn't speak to him again even after he apologized and wanted to meet for lunch.  I didn't respond to his invitation.

This past month my pastor's wife has been teaching on forgiveness.  The hurt came back.  I began to cry again.  I went up for prayer, but the hurt was still there.  She taught that forgiveness is a choice, it's not about how you feel because you may still be hurt, but you have to choose to forgive.  So, last night as she was praying, I felt overwhelmingly tired and I begin to cry.  I told God I didn't want to hurt anymore because it wasn't just him that I was mad at, I was made at myself.  I needed to forgive myself and that was hard for me to do.  My homelessness is a result of things that I've done and I have been mad at myself.  So, she had someone come pray for me and the spirit lifted--they heaviness lifted.  The spirit of forgiveness was there and I forgave.  My heart doesn't hurt anymore.

Thank God!! Because I didn't want to become bitter.  I didn't want to become tormented by my mistakes.  I want to learn from them and keep moving forward!!!!