Quitters Fail, Cowards Fail

I don't fail. Quitters fail. Cowards fail. I do not fail and I'm not gonna start now.--Justin Talbot (Michael Ealy on Being Mary Jane)

When he said that, it hit my spirit. How many times have I quit? Quit on projects, quit on friends and relationships, quit on God...quit on myself.

I THANK GOD that He NEVER quit on me and because of that I square my shoulders, pick myself up and and keep going! God has been too good to me over these past 40 years and I want to show Him that appreciate His love by giving my life to him and NOT GIVING UP!!

So I may be down....but IT AIN'T OVER TIL IT'S OVER!!

Nights Haunt Me....

I WILL BE 40 IN A FEW WEEKS....

 And this is the first time I've been able to say it. I mean, 40 is REALLY young in the grand scheme of things, but facing 40 has been a challenge. I prayed to God to help me with the 40 anxiety and I was listening to S-Town, and John was talking about how he was 48 years old and he was living this blah life. He was saying how he felt like he was stuck in S-Town. As he was talking I realized that I understood where he was coming from. But this guy was over the top. I mean I listened to the entire first show with my mouth open. I was so shocked at this guy.  Then....

***SPOILER ***

He kills himself.

WHAT??!!!!

I mean I felt that he was depressed, but really. REALLY.

So as I was listening I  snapped out of my 40 anxiety because life is GREAT is GOD is GREAT and I THANK GOD for the 40 short years that I have been here and I'm looking forward to 40 more!!

Anyway.....

For about 37 years I've been having sex.

WHAT???!!!

Yes, I was molested by a cousin as a child and it wasn't a molestation where I was penetrated, but oral sex was involved and that lead me to having sex with my sister up until I was in the 4th grade. I had no idea what sex was, but we would do it at night because we slept in the same bed up until I was in the 8th grade. After we were caught I realized that it was wrong and we stopped, but that lead to masturbation.

Then when I was 15 I was introduced to sex with a boy and because I did not having the skills, knowledge, and courage, I just let it happen. Which led to promiscuity and a LOT of HEARTACHE. So this is has been something that has plagued me for most of my life.

Now I will be 40 and I want to live for Christ and I want control over my body, but the night haunts me. It's like I'm a different person, I don't even think about it, it just happens and I wake up in the morning and deal with the guilt of a lack of discipline and control over my body.

Huh....

I know God can do ANYTHING. And I'm going to work WITH the Holy Spirit to gain control over this part of my life.

Bullied His Whole Life

So I was listening to the Criminal Podcast and this story was so crazy...

A man in his 40s had been extorted for over $100k during a 25 year stint. He was extorted until the day he died.

His name was Robert. It all started with a traffic jam in California. He was some sort of engineer on his way home from work and to avoid the dreaded traffic he decided to get off on the nearest exit to drive through town. But, the exit he got off on was the worst exit. He landed in Compton, CA. As he was driving he saw his surroundings and was quickly trying to find his way back to the highway, but he made one wrong turn after another and was driving deeper and deeper into slum neighborhoods. He got spooked when he saw a gang of young men chasing his car through the neighborhood and trying to speed away he side swiped a vehicle. He nervously slowed down because you can't hit someone's car and not stop.

As he stopped he saw the guys nearing him in his rear view mirror. Suddenly, his car door wrenched open and a man scooted him over and got into the driver's seat. He was frantic.

The year was 1979 and his car had a bench seat and no one wore seatbelts during that time. He was a thin white man about 5ft tall. There was no way he was getting out of that neighborhood unharmed with those boys chasing his car.

The man that got into his car told him that he was saving his life. And he drove him to the highway. During the drive the man told Robert that the car he hit was his mom's. Robert gave the man his name, phone number and address. And told him that he would pay for the damages.

The next day the man came over to collect payment. He told him the estimate was over $4k. Robert thought it was an inflated number, but he was grateful that the man got him out of the neighborhood. He was relieved. But that's not where the story ends. The man kept coming back time after time and year after year--asking Robert for money. Extorting him. Telling him that if he didn't pay him he would harm his family. Robert lived near his parents. He never married and had no children. So, he did what the man told him. Even when the man was in prison, Robert still payed.

WHAT????

It wasn't until over 20 years later, Robert was told that the man was going to kill his girlfriend and flee the country so he needed $8k, that he went to the police. Robert kept meticulous notes and check stubs totaling the extortion. The state had a case against the man...but right before the case went to trial, Robert died.

WHAT???????

He was quite embarrased by the whole thing and NEVER told a soul. He just suffered and endured in silence.

God, help me!!

The devil will bully people and they will just suffer in silence....I don't want to be that way!! God HELP!!

https://soundcloud.com/criminalshow/ep-11-im-about-to-save-your-life

Don't Know Why But I'm Grateful

I've been on the road a lot. I drove 615 miles for work on Friday. On today I left home at 7am to drive 150 miles to work in St. Clair County. When I got there we had to cancel. It was 9:35 am.

The thing is I had this feeling on yesterday that something was gonna be up with this trip. I don't mind the cancellation-I still get paid even though it's a waste of time and money. However, in my spirit today I just felt uneasy a little. There was just something off a little. So I prayed for traveling grace and mercy. I prayed for my family. I prayed for the will of God to be done.

As the cancellation was happening I asked coworker to make a call for me because my brake light had come on on Friday. She did and they told her that I would be able to switch my car for another one until my car gets fixed. No problem, right?

Wrong!!

Before going to the garage I stopped at my moms house. Chatted with her for a little bit. I went to the library, dry cleaners and called my brother to see if he was home so I could stop by. He wasn't so I made my way to the garage. I got to the garage at 12:50pm and they told me that they didn't have any cars to loan. So I'm 150 miles from home and they are telling me that I can't get home because driving with the brake light on was unsafe.  So what as I sposed to do? Thumb it home?  I asked the service guy that.

I called my boss and she said that maybe she could get someone to come get me. Well my partner was in Chicago so that wasn't going to happen. And I didn't want my partner that I was working with to have to drive 5 hours to get me home especially since she has small children at home and she wouldn't get home til 6pm. So I told my boss I would uber to the train and then take Amtrak home. I got off the phone and realized that uber may cost me $30 but I could take the bus to the metro link that takes me to Amtrak. But the bus stop was 3.249 miles away. Hmmm....I did say that I wanted to get in 12,000 steps per day.

Nope....not today. It was drizzling outside and chilly and I had a heavy bookbag, a heavy file case and some awkward UPS boxes. If it was a nice day and I didn't have all my acuchamonts I would have made the hike.

My $10 uber picked me up at 1:33pm and took me the 3.249 miles to the bus depot. I paid $3 for the ride and transfer to get on the metro link. En route I called Amtrak to book my ticket. There were two trains--3pm and 5pm. I chose the 5pm because I didn't know if I was gonna make it to the train by 3. One the bus, the guy in front of me--who had to be about 50, turns around and ask, "so you texting?"

"What?" is what I was thinking. I said, "Yes."

"Can I get your name and number?"

"WHAT?" is what I was thinking. "No, I'm involved," is what I said.

"Oh, I had to ask."

"UGH," is what I was thinking.

He smelled like a distillery. I book my ticket and got off at Amtrak at 2:47. I wanted to see if I could get on the train, but I was sure they were getting ready to leave when at 2:51pm a guy runs to the window and I hear the lady tell him, "You got 5 minutes, you better run." He takes off running. The do a last call for the 3pm train. I go to the window and tell her I got a 5:30 ticket, but can I get on the train. She tells me yes and that she's changing my ticket. I take off running.

I get on the train at 2:54pm.

Thank God!!

I call my friend to ask her if she could pick me up. I get home at 6pm.

I started the day off with the uneasy feeling and I began to pray. I thank God for the sensitivity to pray. I mean, sometimes things happen and can go wrong. So I thank God for prayer.

ReFormation

That's the focus for 2017. In 2016 God began a work in me and this work is not done. He is making everything in my life right side up....

When I was purchasing my house I knew that it was my house because it reminded me of me....it was a good structure, in a good neighborhood with a good price, but it was outdated. I knew that I would be remodeling my house. It pictured my life. My life needed to be remodeled--the walls needed to be torn down and built back up--new!!

So, that is what's going on in my life right now. God is tearing down everything that is old.

I decided not to date during this season because dating distracts me. I need to be new, but dating keeps me thinking about the old. I mean, I have been having sex since I was 3 years old and I feel like I can't be close to a man and stay pure. That's not natural. I have fears in my life that control me and God's love takes away fear, so I need to be washed in His love!

As hard as it is to remodel my house and this life, I am doing it and I thank God for giving me the grace. It's going to seem like a long journey, but it's worth it. I can't wait to meet the new me!!

Vision 2017

I have traveled about 1500 miles over last weekend and in my travels I was able to visit my family in Bolivar, TN and Macon, MS. My cousin was able to take us (my baby brother, niece, and cousin) to the cemetary where our family members were buried. She then told us all about the land that our family owned. There is about 108 acres of land that is left.

I believe this is a myth, but I was told that anyone could go down to Bolivar to build a house on the land and that the land can't be sold or bartered. The reason I believe this isn't true is because some of the people have sold their land. And the land that is left is in different people's names.

I mention that because my brother, uncle and I were thinking about how we could go down there to do something with the land. From visiting I don't think that's an option.

However, in prayer this morning I began to think about my legacy and how I can continue my families legacy of being land owners. Not only do my family have land in TN, but there are about 150 acres of land in Macon, MS that my family owns. My grant aunt has about 100 acres of land and my great uncle has about 45 acres of land. My great grandmother's house used to be on the 50 acres and we were able to go visit both areas. My great grandmother's land have cotton fields on it and they lease the land to farmers and there are 16 pecan trees. I love those pecan trees. When we were little, we used to bring back bags and bags of pecans. They say that MS is the largest area that produces pecans. I would love to go down and get pecans off our land.

So in prayer I just had a vision of me and the next generation owning land. My grandmother's house sits on a corner in E St Louis. There is a huge lot next to the house, a huge lot across one street and a huge lot across the other street. All down the street the houses have been torn down. I would love to own the whole block. Then further down the street the buildings are decrepit. I would love to own it one day. I think that's what I'm going to work towards.

Also during prayer I was seeing myself working in health and business. I think I want to go ahead and apply for the MPH, Ph. D dual degree program at U of I.

Thank you Jesus for vision!!

My Visit to TN and MS