Nights Haunt Me....

I WILL BE 40 IN A FEW WEEKS....

 And this is the first time I've been able to say it. I mean, 40 is REALLY young in the grand scheme of things, but facing 40 has been a challenge. I prayed to God to help me with the 40 anxiety and I was listening to S-Town, and John was talking about how he was 48 years old and he was living this blah life. He was saying how he felt like he was stuck in S-Town. As he was talking I realized that I understood where he was coming from. But this guy was over the top. I mean I listened to the entire first show with my mouth open. I was so shocked at this guy.  Then....

***SPOILER ***

He kills himself.

WHAT??!!!!

I mean I felt that he was depressed, but really. REALLY.

So as I was listening I  snapped out of my 40 anxiety because life is GREAT is GOD is GREAT and I THANK GOD for the 40 short years that I have been here and I'm looking forward to 40 more!!

Anyway.....

For about 37 years I've been having sex.

WHAT???!!!

Yes, I was molested by a cousin as a child and it wasn't a molestation where I was penetrated, but oral sex was involved and that lead me to having sex with my sister up until I was in the 4th grade. I had no idea what sex was, but we would do it at night because we slept in the same bed up until I was in the 8th grade. After we were caught I realized that it was wrong and we stopped, but that lead to masturbation.

Then when I was 15 I was introduced to sex with a boy and because I did not having the skills, knowledge, and courage, I just let it happen. Which led to promiscuity and a LOT of HEARTACHE. So this is has been something that has plagued me for most of my life.

Now I will be 40 and I want to live for Christ and I want control over my body, but the night haunts me. It's like I'm a different person, I don't even think about it, it just happens and I wake up in the morning and deal with the guilt of a lack of discipline and control over my body.

Huh....

I know God can do ANYTHING. And I'm going to work WITH the Holy Spirit to gain control over this part of my life.