The Journey Up: Integrity

So, as I've been learning about character and integrity, I was still not sure that I had the full understanding until my pastor taught about it again.  Basically, saying what you mean, doing what you say and meaning what you say.....

Integrity is being honest!!

Basically, If I say I'm going to do something, do it.  For example, I told my sister that I was gonna be home for the 4th of July. I didn't go. Basically, I kept saying that I was gonna go and the day before I checked the train schedule and found that there is no trains that would get me there and back in enough time to enjoy myself and go to work the next day.  When my sis called me in the evening of the 3rd, I hadn't told her that I couldn't make it. I was embarrassed, I guess.....

So, the next day (the 4th) I just stayed at home. She called me that evening and I simply apologized. Of course my intentions were good, but I had no business telling her that I would be there without making sure the plans were good.  I've done this several times, even at work when I found myself in a jam. Instead of being honest, I lied about it.

For example, I have to do several events at churches which is not easy for me because I don't know the churches in town, so finding a church to host events has been quite difficult. But, when asked I told my boss that I had several lined up. It wasn't true.....That is a lack of integrity. Integrity will cause a person to be honest all the time.

This has been happening and happening and I don't know how to change it. I don't want to lie....it's especially embarrassing when it all comes crashing down, like this week.

My body hurts because I've been trying to cover up for lies that I've told!!  WOW!!! I have so much tension in my neck and shoulders. I have a nagging headache that won't go away. I've been in a perpetual pity party...I've been miserable!!!

God, I NEED INTEGRITY!!

The Journey Up: Integrity

For a long time I didn't know what this word meant.  I looked it up, but didnt' understand it. I'd often hear it associated with character, but I was still a little confused about that....

It wasn't until a couple of years ago when I got it...a light bulb came on.  My Pastor was teaching he simply said, "Your talent will get you in the door, but your character will keep you there."  I got it...basically, it doesn't matter how gifted or talented you are....what matters more are your morals, values, attitude, how you treat others.....So, I began associating this with integrity, but that still wasn't quite it. I know, I know...I'm educated....have a Master's degree, but I was never taught integrity or what it meant....

I've heard about it, but was never TAUGHT about it or HOW TO HAVE IT!!

to be continued....

The Journey Up: Reflections

I turned 35 on May 5, 2012. It wasn't a big deal to me...not as big as 30. I didn't make any special plans, I just enjoyed the day. I have a friend who turned 35 yesterday and to her it was a BIG DEAL. We went to dinner and had great conversation, but throughout it always came back to "being 35". WHAT??? I started feeling self-conscious because to me it wasn't that BIG. God blessed me to see another year!! That was BIG, but 35.....hmmmm.

So, I started reevaluating.....Not that I'm gonna make it a big deal about being 35, but just thinking about moving forward and onward with my life....

Spiritually, I've been on this rollarcoaster and I wish I could go back to 2008 and make some different decisions, but I can't...So, I have to deal with it and move forward. I've learned that in order to maintain my spiritual relationship with God, I can't be "friends" with a guy. I thought Coach and I would be friends and I would be able to help him because where he is, I used to be. I even told him that I couldn't handle "having relations" with him and he respected that. I just wasn't thinking. So, to avoid that, I'm avoiding close friendships with men. My heart was broken and it crushed my spirit and I went backwards...I started endulging in "old" stuff....old habits that had me bound. So, I understand the enemies devises now...that type of relationship, where I'm hanging out with a man at his house or spending a lot of time with him recreationally, will not work for me. I'm not strong enough for that. Also, I NEED TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE. I believe that God has blessed me to go through what I've gone through so that I can help somebody. I need to be a witness that God can bring you out. He's done it for me!!! By the grace of God, I'm living RENT FREE....God has blessed me so much!! I HAVE NOT LOST MY MIND!! I HAVE PEACE OF MIND, despite everything!!

Financially, I'm doing what I can to manage my money. I monitor what I spend and have not spent anything uneccessarily. I did pay for my friends dinner on yesterday and bought her a card and a cupcake, but other than that, all my money goes to bills, gas, groceries. Every cent that I have has been used properly. So, if I'm being financially responsible, that means, I need to have faith that God will help me to get out of debt.

Weight management has been a challenge. Until I get a handle on my thyroid, I will work HARD to manage my weight. I've noticed the only time I lose weight is when I fast. Well, I can't fast every day of my life. Yes, I do need to eat more on a schedule (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), but for the most part I'm doing what I can. So, I'm gonna make a goal...for 30 days I'm gonna be focused--prayer, meditation, fasting, reading the word of God, etc. I NEED GOD!!! and I can't do it in my flesh. It has to happen in the spirit--in my spirit.

They Did Me a Favor

They did me a favor...

Not one sad tear left in me

Relationships are mental.... That's why I haven't allowed myself to get so involved with a man in the last few years. This is also why I was so bothered with what went down between me and Coach. BTW, he did text me this morning...UGH!! Well, I've decided that it was a mistake but I'm not gonna let it get me down...I'm gonna get over it because I HAVE TO!!!

Try Sleeping in My Bed

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?... Those are lyrics from Alicia Keys song, but that is where I am right now. My heart is broken. This is one of the reasons I didn't want to get involved with Coach or any other man for that matter. He hasn't called, text, sent smoke signals...nothing!! It's depressing and stressful to think that I thought he cared enough about me....WOW!!!

Let's Be Adults

I have not been in a serious relationship since 2009 and even back then it wasn't serious. So Coach has been the only guy that I've dated (had sex with) since then. (Not counting meeting Robert). Well, when I "gave in" the other day, I became concerned. I mean, he's the only guy that I've been intimate with, but I'm sure I'm not the only girl that he's been intimate with. Especially since I've seen another woman at his house. So, I was a little bothered when he wouldn't answer my question. I simply asked, "When was the last time you had sex with someone other than me?" He didn't respond. Maybe it was because I text him...but I thought it was an important questions. I mean, we didn't use any protection. So, I want to make sure that we are being safe and responsible. So, why didn't he respond? What it the way I asked or how I asked? If I can allow him to see me naked, why can't I be adult enough to have a mature conversation about sex? I sent him the text on yesterday around 7pm....Let's see how long it takes for him to communicate with me....Hmmmmmm.