How Does That Affect Your Values?

 I met this guy.....

Oh boy.....

We shall call him Dell. Dell and I met online on FB dating about a week before Christmas. During that time I meet Cincinnati guy also and I like him so we chatted for about a week before it fizzled. So, I started chatting with Dell. We found out that he lives a few blocks around the corner from me and I asked him out on a FaceTime brunch. I had to cancel because I needed to be out of town so he invited me to dinner at his house on New Years Day. We had a good time chatting. The vibe was good. The next day I was grocery shopping and he mentioned he forgot to get food for lunch so I offered to pick up some stuff for him. I did and we hung out that evening when he got off work. The next day I offered to bring him lunch to work since he work 12 hour shifts and he don't get home until after 7:30. Thats a long time to not eat when you have lunch at noon. He was shocked that I offered. I was shocked that he was shocked. But instead of bringing food to his job I just bought him dinner and we hung out again. Then he tried to kiss me. I moved my face because I wasn't ready for that yet. It was a little awkward, but it was fine. The next day he texted me to ask if I was affectionate. I told him that I was, but I was a little thrown off guard. So I asked if we could hang out again and he that he needed some rest and, "Plus you need more time."

What? I need more time?

I mean just because I don't want to kiss you, you don't want to see me? WOW. I didn't make much of it and we moved on. A few days went by and I asked if I could come over. He told me I could, but didn't tell me when so I called him and we ended up flirting on FaceTime. He mentioned about me staying the night. I told him my thoughts on that...

Basically, the temptation for sex would be too great and I wasn't sure we were ready for that. He invited me over and I sat down and his kissed me.

He KISSED me GOOOOOODDDDDDD!

OMG I haven't been kissed like that in ages and I liked it. Then we cuddled and it got late so I decided to leave. When I got up he grabbed me and I straddled him. We kissed. His hands moved really fast and before I knew it my nipples were in his mouth. We headed to his room and the deed was done. It was good. Not great, but GOOD and I enjoyed it. 

The next day he apologized. 

WHAT?

He said that he should have stopped when I told him no. My "no" wasn't a hard "NO." It was a I don't think this is a good idea, but I don't want it to stop "no." So I didn't stop him and we did the deed. He wondered if he was too aggressive. I loved the aggression. I loved his hands in my hair and all over me and .....all the rest of it. I reassured him that if I wanted to leave I would have. PERIOD.

We then talked about me visiting that evening because I was firing on all cylinders at that point. I was ready to get into it every day. The evening came and he told me his daughter was supposed to come visit. Of course I knew that his daughter wasn't gonna show up...The next day I asked to see him, but he said that he liked to drink and he didn't want me to see him drinking.

WHAT?

He said that he would be uncomfortable. I asked him why I made him uncomfortable. A few days later he asked me to come over and he basically said that he likes to smoke in his garage on his days off (no one knows that he smokes) and he drinks when he smokes so he's uncomfortable drinking and smoking around someone who doesn't do that. I told him the reasons I don't drink and that made him more uncomfortable. I left his house and we texted when I got home. I ended up back at his house 30 mins later. Clothes were coming off when I got in the door. 

The next day I asked to come over and he said, "I'm so used to alone time here that incorporating someone else in is something I have to get used to, but I don't mean no harm."

So basically, he likes to be alone and he's not ready for a relationship. At least that's what I got from that statement. I went to his house. He sat in the chair drinking and I laid on the couch. At one point I asked him to come cuddle on the couch, but he was drinking which made it awkward because he didn't have anywhere to put his drink. So he went back to the chair. I left and he texted me that he wished I could have stayed. We both were tire so I went home.

I haven't seen him since. We've texted and that's about it. I sent him a text on Thursday, "Are you into me cuz I like you but I'm not sure how you approach being in a relationship. Well actually you said you don't know how to be in a relationship. So I guess I want to know if you want to discuss being in a relationship with me?" He responded, "Maybe we should discuss this tomorrow. You need your rest...." We haven't discussed it AT ALL so I decided to just let it be. If he wants to see me he's gonna have to let me know.....

To be continued.....

 

I Will Recover

I've been in therapy because I have to get my mind right. And I believe if I can get my mind right, I can get my body and life right. I have a lot of regrets. I hate these regrets. I'm not sure why I can't shake them. 

I quit making goals for myself because I was so disappointed in myself for not reaching my goals. The disappointment of failure plagued me so much that I stopped making goals. But in group therapy the therapist told us to make a mission statement based on values for the new year. I liked that so I'm gonna try it. 

In order to do my mission statement I have to examine what I value....

Some things I value:

1) My relationship with Christ. 

2) My health

3) Good relationships

4) My future. 

So I have to craft a mission statement to include these values. 

In doing this I have reevalute my behaviors. One such behavior is with men....

I met Adam online a few weeks before Christmas. I gave him my number and we started chatting December 26. We met in person on New Year's Day for dinner at his house. We had a good conversation. One January 7....

This is the behavior that I MUST change. I feel like he's someone I can be with. He's stable, believes in God (even though he doesn't go to church) he's not into drama, etc. I'm just tired of wondering.....wondering if I will ever be with someone. Wondering if anyone will ever love me like I love him. 

But, despite this I will keep moving forward....

Con Artist: I'm Tired of Trying to Buy Love

Characteristics of Self-Hate:

Self-sacrificing

Putting yourself last

Over giving

Doing more that you are paid for

Under charging

Giving and throwing yourself under the bus

These are all things that Dr Venus Opal is saying in her series, "Hot Mess Millionaire."

I'm built for more!!! is what she says and I felt that!!!

I met the Con three years ago on POF. He was attractive and there was something about him....On his page he talked about where he worked and how he was debt free....I was intrigued, but I was also (don't know the word)....So we didn't move forward. 

Then in September I was on POF for a hot minute and we chatted. I'm not sure if he remembered me, but we exchanged numbers and friended each other on FB and started chatting. Things really got to rolling when we FaceTimed dated in October and then I sent him a full body pic of myself. About 10 days later I was in his house, in his bed....

It wasn't good. It was ok, not good. So we moved on. He left to work out of town and about 10 days later I got a FaceTime from him. He said he was stranded in Indiana and didn't have money to get home. He wanted to know if I could wire him some money. I sent him $250. He said he was gonna give me half my money back when he got back to town and the other half when he got paid. He got back to town, I didn't hear from him. Three days later I called him and he was down and out about not having money to travel back to Indiana for work. I loaned him $175. He was supposed to go to work at 3am, but the next day he was still in town. I was confused, but I didn't say anything. Four days later I texted him and he said he was depressed. He was supposed to get paid and give me back my money, but according to him he hadn't gotten his check yet. I told him to come over. He said he didn't have gas money and money to get groceries. Me in my self-hatred (trying to buy love) I offered him gas money so I gave him money for gas ($35) and $160 for food and he agreed to pay me back when he got his checks. 

That was almost a month ago. So far I've only seen $200 of the $620 that he owes me and he didn't want to pay me the $200. So now here I am looking stupid. 

He gets mad at me when I don't want to have sex with him. He gets mad at me when I say he's acting like a shyster. 

But I'm done. Yes, I NEED my $420, but I don't care if he gives it back to me. I just want to be emotionally free, spiritually free, mentally free. I want to quit getting with con men. 

Dr Venus and Apostle William Rogers, Jr says, "The real measure of success is how many times you get back up!!"

So I'm getting back up and walking away from this foolishness. 

Four Dreams

 1. I was holding my niece who is currently 22 months old. She started repeating the words that I was saying--bus, red, etc. Right now my niece is not saying words. She's saying sounds, but no actual words. Usually, by this age toddlers will be saying a lot of words. At her 18 month check up, the doctor wanted to get her speech therapy. But my sister was reluctant. She called my mom and my mom kinda steered her away from it, saying that my niece would talk when she wants to talk. I think my sister should have gotten her the appointments. My niece shows signs of being on the spectrum. True these signs can be benign and any toddler could exhibit them, but the signs along with the speech delay may tell us something. But I had the dream and in the past sometimes my dreams have meant something and sometimes they have meant nothing--they were just dreams. 

2. I can't remember fully what I was doing, but my aunt who is obese and on dialysis was climbing a ladder or stairs and as she was going up, somehow she slipped and fell flat on her back with her eyes wide open. I was horrified. Blood started coming from her midsection.  I woke up. I love my aunt, she is the matriarch of the family now. But she's sick. I want her to live a long life because she's sort of a rock for me. I pray that God grant her grace for longevity.

3. The third dream I can't remember where I was--my house I think and Apostle was praying in the house. Then he came up to me really close and touch the left side of my belly and said something like, "I had that same pain, it was my appendix."  Then I woke up. Before going to bed I had a dull pain on the left side fo my belly. Of course I googled after I woke up and found that the appendix is on right side. So, again, was this God trying to warn me about something? IDK. It was weird. I need to get back on my diet. I've gained 8lbs and it's not comfortable. 

4. Last night I had a dream that I was in the location--kinda like a mall and I was walking by and you know how you see someone, but don't necessarily want to speak to them. My Apostle saw me and was going to walk by, but I yelled to speak to him and Prophetess. I started to walk towards the, but remembered COVID and did an air hug. They air hugged me back. Then I woke up.

I don't know what all this means. I do know that I need to get my life right. Things started getting bad right after we had communion at church on September 19. I was so excited about it--honoring the Lord and what He's done for me, for the body of Christ. It was like satan just unleashed on my after that. I met Boiler Guy and things have gone to crap for me...Not totally, but my heart has been divided and I can't seem to get it together.....

Giving Group

 I have joined the Team No One Left Behind giving group. It's a wonderful opportunity, but it's a job. 

I'm so tired right now I don't have the energy to talk about it, but it's a good group. I'm substitute teaching and working my full time job. OMG, Jesus help me!!

To be continued....

Do You Really

In my twilight (almost awake, but still sleep) this morning I was thinking about the curriculum that I was putting together and I need a name. I'm thinking of calling it, "Do You Really Want To Change Your Life?"

Who doesn't?

Who doesn't want to get better.

One of my pastors has been talking about the spirit of Cain and how he was plagued by the spirit of jealousy. Whew chile.....I have some jealous feelings that I need God to deal with!! And I thank Him for deliverance!!

So in order to change your life, the first thing you must do is CHANGE YOUR MIND!!

Change your mind about whatever it is that you are dealing with. That's not easy to do, it takes practice and discipline, but it can happen!! Some times little by little and sometimes overnight, the change happens. Most of the time you can't pinpoint when it happens, but it happens....

Get Back Up Again

I THANK GOD for His grace and mercy.

I slipped and fell Friday night. I let my mind just go where it wanted to go and it lead my body down the wrong path and I sinned. But I used what I have learned and asked for forgiveness and went on to bed. I felt convicted and asked for forgiveness and I tried not to beat myself up to much and I went on about my business. Saturday ended up being a really good day. A woman asked me to pray for her. I felt a twing of guilt, but I trusted God and prayed. I also realized what lead up to me falling.

Golf guy....

Yeah, I can't blame my sin on someone else, but the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:33 TLB, "Don't be fooled....If you listen to them you will start acting like them." All golf guy wants to talk about is sex and how to "conquer" women. His goal, in the name of not being lonely, is to have sex with women. He got upset with me when I told him he didn't want to commit. Actually, what I told him wasn't the whole truth. It's not that he doesn't want to commit, its that he's insecure about his position financially and anatomically (small penis syndrome). 

So anyway....

He's sending me these text about all these women he wants to sleep with and one of his other friends that has found a new man and she's sleeping with him and she also been in a long term relationship with a married man...OMG. Every time I get a text from him I roll my eyes because not only does he want to engage in these crazy behaviors, he tries to encourage me to engage with Mr Ohio and the liar. 

I'm so over it!!

I can't do this relationship anymore. In the past he served his purpose and I thank God for bringing him into my life because I've learned so much about men from listening to him and asking questions, but I've progressed and he doesn't get it!!  

So I have to stop "listening to him" because I'm starting to engage in that behavior and I've fought too hard to get away from all of that!!!