I'm Trying to Run, But I Lost My Way

I HATE IT....when I work so hard for somthing and it ends up NOWHERE!! I'm so sick of this. WOW!!

I have a confession of something that I do NOT do intentionally, but it's something that is sometimes in my heart, but is NOT right. And I HATE it!! The only thing I know to do is confess, ask God to forgive me and to change my heart. I have to use the scripture to guard my heart from this and it's not always easy....The Bible says, "Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth" Prov 24:17. I'm also not to rejoice when my brother falls. So, why do I think about my brother falling and am not terribly sad? I don't dare rejoice, but it doesn't bother me. It's almost like I'm okay with my brother falling when that is not right. It's like if they fall, I'm okay with it because I know that I'm gonna fall and I want someone to be okay with me. I know all of this sounds silly and I think I'm beating around the bush only because I DON'T want to be this way. I DON'T want to think ill of my brother. God, help me, in Jesus Name!!

Tax Refund and Other Ramblings

I got my tax refund today. AND It went from one hand to another. I used $600 to pay for my car loan and I've got $1000 left to pay. I am SO HAPPY!! I will be paying about $400 on next week and then another $400-$500 on my next payday. I feel like I can breathe. This car has been the bane of me for a long time. Especially since I'm paying for something that is crap and it makes it even worse when I can't even park in my own parking lot. UGH!! I can't afford to buy a new car, so I will be saving up money to get this one fixed. I think it will cost about $1000. There is so much wrong with it....

Other repairs include:
1. New sway bars
2. New oxygen sensors
3. Something to do with the catylitic converter
4. New spark plugs
5. Oil change
6. New rear brakes
7. Car detailed (it is SO dirty)
8. Paint buffed (it's like the dirt is engrained in the paint, my car won't get clean)

All of this I can NOT afford. I can't even afford to get an oil change and that only cost about $30.

But, I'm gonna save up money and pray to God that my car don't go caputz before I have enough money to get it fixed.

In other news..... Mister has been MIA. I've been calling and calling and his phone goes straight to vmail. I'm concerned. I hope it's just a matter of his phone being off and not that there is something wrong. His last text to me was something about things have gotten worse and that he was doing much better here. He got into some financial issues when he moved there. The first was a $10,000 DUI case that he got right after he moved and his lawyer actually got it down to where he didn't have to pay that much, but he had to pay about $6000. From there he lost is motorcycle, got behind on some bills and he just wasn't doing well with managing his money. So, he's going through this funk where he wished he never moved. He hasn't made any friends and doesn't do anything beside work which is stressful for him with all of the deadlines. So, all of this going on, I'm concerned about him.

Work has been BORING. I'm finishing up a super fun project with teens and smoking and now I have to work on a diabetes program that is not as fun...Actually, I enjoy it, but I haven't gotten many people to sign up for it. So, that's a little stressful.

Spiritually....I don't know where I am. I ALWAYS know where I am, but for the past few years, it's like I've been in the middle of the ocean and there is nothing in sight. Like I don't know which way to swim--there is nothing around and I don't know which way to go. I'm just here, floating along. The Bible talks about being blown and tossed about by every wind of doctrine. I know that I love God and I want to live for Him and do His will, but I have no clear picture of where I am or where I'm going. It's very disenheartening. I've been VERY goal oriented and I've always had a plan to get to where I was going, but now since I don't know where I'm going, I have no plan.

What I do know is that I WANT to be married soon and I want to be a MOM SOON!!! I want to go back to school to get my PH.D. I want to run a marathon. I want to own my own business.

There are things that I WANT to do, but what am I SUPPOSED to be doing is the questions???

*Sigh*

I Don't Ask for Much

Dear God,

When I pray, I usually don't ask for much. I pray for my family. I pray that I can do the will of God, but I don't pray a whole lot for material things or for things for myself. But, now I'm coming "standing in the need" of prayer (as the old folks used to say). I really like my job. I like the flexibility, I enjoy meeting new people, I really enjoy what I do, when I'm doing what I do, but I NEED more money. I've been doing an assessment and over the past years, I've contributed upwards of 15% of my income to the church. I love my church and I love my church family and I love God. I love giving to my church, but I'm finding it hard with my financial situation.

I NEED an increase and I NEED that increase to be in something that I love to do.

There is a job that I applied for that would double my salary and it is doing something that I love to do--teach. I would really like to have that job. I know that technically I'm not qualified because my teaching certificate lapsed, but You are God! You can do ANYTHING!! I pray that if it's YOUR will, give me the job!! I use your word...."seek and you shall find, ask and the door will be opened," "you have not because you ask now and when you ask, you ask amiss."

I'm not asking amiss. I don't want this job out greed or selfish gain. I really do need to make more money so that I can live and be a blessing to others. I cannot do you will when I am broke because my mind is on the money that I don't have and how I'm gonna make ends meet. Your word says to give and it shall be given to me...some 30, 60, or 100 fold. I've given over the years and you have blessed me, but I ask to you honor Your word and reward me with a blessing of this new job.

In Jesus's name. Amen.

I'm Really Happy for You

Valentine's Day was rough for me this year....I think my age is catching up with me. However, I got over it and am moving on. I got a call from my uncle last night. He stated the he's looking to get married. He said that he was praying and fasting about it because he wanted to make a good decision. WOW. That was unexpected. But, he said that if it does happen, he's looking at next August. WOW. I was really happy for him. I was happy that he found someone who he wants to be with. It made my heart glad. So, despite my V-Day funk....I can't wait to hear if there indeed will be wedding bells!!!

Vegence is Mine....I will repay....

Last night I had a dream that I bought a stun gun--two stun guns--and I hid in the backseat of my car. When the two teens came to steal my car, I stunned them, pushed them out of the car and drove off with my keys that they stole from me. The dream scared me because it was playing over and over in my head and at one point, I went to stun them and another guy was waiting outside the car....then I went to stun them and another guy got into the back seat of the car... I have no idea why I was dreaming this scenario over and over again. it was like I was planning it and thinking of every possible scenario that could happen so that I could be safe. In my dreams I was panicky--especially when there were more than two who were trying to steal the car. Then my dream switched to the teens trying to get back at me by breaking into my apartment. In those scenarios I would hide underneath the sofa or hid in the coat closet with my phone and call the police. Those scenarios were really scary and I felt the anxiety while I was sleeping. Then I was dreaming about being attacked. I HATE THOSE DREAMS!! I started praying and praying until I fell back to sleep. I don't know why, but them stealing my car has really bothered me, especially since I thougth I saw the two punks in someone else's car and the fact that I can't park in my own parking lot really "grinds my gears". GRRR. It's like I'm being punished for what they did to me. $1300 worth of my stuff--GONE!! I'm gonna call the court to see what is being done. There is no information online because they are juveniles and technically their case is sealed, but I was told that I can call to see what is being done.

Don't Trouble the Water

My brother called me to tell me that my stepdad--his dad--has been sexually harrassing his wife. Sending he inappropriate messages on facebook, making inappropriate comments on her pictures....He's had it...my brother is fed up with his father. He was hurt by it, mad at him for what he was doing and he vowed that he didn't want anything to do with him, ever again.

This made me sad....

Basically because it took my brother a long time to forgive his father for leaving when he was little. He was just getting over the hurt of the abandonment and his dad--the man that he is named after--goes and tries to flirt with his wife. WOW!!

I didn't know what to say to console him. I prayed for him and talked to him about forgiving his dad and he was moving in the right direction...but not this......

This along with the scandal with my dad, has been alot. I just found out that my mom and my brother and sister's mom were good friends which is one of the reasons that I didn't grow up with my dad. My mother was mad because her good friend was screwing her boyfriend--her children's father. WOW!!!

I was gonna call my mom to ask questions about my dad, especially in light of the craziness going on with my grandmother's death, but for some reason, I wanted to hear Aretha Franklin and I've been listening to Bridge Over Troubled Water for the past hour or so. "Don't trouble the water," is what she's saying. Maybe I should just leave it alone. Let sleeping dogs lie.....But, I am so bothered. I don't know what to do.....

I'm troubled, but I don't think I should trouble the waters....I need a bridge.

Getting High, High, High

"Somebody smoking marijuana, a LOT of it!"

That was what the girl said on the phone. I went to the building to check it out. Nothing...I didn't smell anything. I kept walking--up the stairs, down the hall, to the other side and BAM.....It hit me in the face. Marijuana...think and funky. It was horrible. I walked down the stairs and through the other hallways....nothing. It was only in the stairways. Somebody was smart. They knew NOT to smoke it in their apartment. Hmmm.....Who could it be.

I called my boss. She sent someone over. I tried to tell her that it was only int he stairways. She didn't believe me until she walked through herself.

Somebody was getting HIGH for valentine's day. I guess they couldn't take it either. LOL.

In other news....I do feel better. The day is almost over. I talked to Mister and told her that it was hard today listening to all the women getting flowers. I even sort of mentioned that I wished the person who I sent a card to would have gotten me flowers. I hope he didn't think I was talking about him, even though I was....But, I blew off the steam and I feel better. Even though he did fall asleep on me. Actually, I'm not sure if he's fallen asleep or just "tied up with Trish."

But, oh well. Thank God for today!! I made it through today.

BTW, I've got more free time on the weekends. I'm happy. I'm gonna sleep and sleep and sleep some more. Then I'm gonna get my hair done!