How Does That Affect Your Values?

 I met this guy.....

Oh boy.....

We shall call him Dell. Dell and I met online on FB dating about a week before Christmas. During that time I meet Cincinnati guy also and I like him so we chatted for about a week before it fizzled. So, I started chatting with Dell. We found out that he lives a few blocks around the corner from me and I asked him out on a FaceTime brunch. I had to cancel because I needed to be out of town so he invited me to dinner at his house on New Years Day. We had a good time chatting. The vibe was good. The next day I was grocery shopping and he mentioned he forgot to get food for lunch so I offered to pick up some stuff for him. I did and we hung out that evening when he got off work. The next day I offered to bring him lunch to work since he work 12 hour shifts and he don't get home until after 7:30. Thats a long time to not eat when you have lunch at noon. He was shocked that I offered. I was shocked that he was shocked. But instead of bringing food to his job I just bought him dinner and we hung out again. Then he tried to kiss me. I moved my face because I wasn't ready for that yet. It was a little awkward, but it was fine. The next day he texted me to ask if I was affectionate. I told him that I was, but I was a little thrown off guard. So I asked if we could hang out again and he that he needed some rest and, "Plus you need more time."

What? I need more time?

I mean just because I don't want to kiss you, you don't want to see me? WOW. I didn't make much of it and we moved on. A few days went by and I asked if I could come over. He told me I could, but didn't tell me when so I called him and we ended up flirting on FaceTime. He mentioned about me staying the night. I told him my thoughts on that...

Basically, the temptation for sex would be too great and I wasn't sure we were ready for that. He invited me over and I sat down and his kissed me.

He KISSED me GOOOOOODDDDDDD!

OMG I haven't been kissed like that in ages and I liked it. Then we cuddled and it got late so I decided to leave. When I got up he grabbed me and I straddled him. We kissed. His hands moved really fast and before I knew it my nipples were in his mouth. We headed to his room and the deed was done. It was good. Not great, but GOOD and I enjoyed it. 

The next day he apologized. 

WHAT?

He said that he should have stopped when I told him no. My "no" wasn't a hard "NO." It was a I don't think this is a good idea, but I don't want it to stop "no." So I didn't stop him and we did the deed. He wondered if he was too aggressive. I loved the aggression. I loved his hands in my hair and all over me and .....all the rest of it. I reassured him that if I wanted to leave I would have. PERIOD.

We then talked about me visiting that evening because I was firing on all cylinders at that point. I was ready to get into it every day. The evening came and he told me his daughter was supposed to come visit. Of course I knew that his daughter wasn't gonna show up...The next day I asked to see him, but he said that he liked to drink and he didn't want me to see him drinking.

WHAT?

He said that he would be uncomfortable. I asked him why I made him uncomfortable. A few days later he asked me to come over and he basically said that he likes to smoke in his garage on his days off (no one knows that he smokes) and he drinks when he smokes so he's uncomfortable drinking and smoking around someone who doesn't do that. I told him the reasons I don't drink and that made him more uncomfortable. I left his house and we texted when I got home. I ended up back at his house 30 mins later. Clothes were coming off when I got in the door. 

The next day I asked to come over and he said, "I'm so used to alone time here that incorporating someone else in is something I have to get used to, but I don't mean no harm."

So basically, he likes to be alone and he's not ready for a relationship. At least that's what I got from that statement. I went to his house. He sat in the chair drinking and I laid on the couch. At one point I asked him to come cuddle on the couch, but he was drinking which made it awkward because he didn't have anywhere to put his drink. So he went back to the chair. I left and he texted me that he wished I could have stayed. We both were tire so I went home.

I haven't seen him since. We've texted and that's about it. I sent him a text on Thursday, "Are you into me cuz I like you but I'm not sure how you approach being in a relationship. Well actually you said you don't know how to be in a relationship. So I guess I want to know if you want to discuss being in a relationship with me?" He responded, "Maybe we should discuss this tomorrow. You need your rest...." We haven't discussed it AT ALL so I decided to just let it be. If he wants to see me he's gonna have to let me know.....

To be continued.....

 

I Will Recover

I've been in therapy because I have to get my mind right. And I believe if I can get my mind right, I can get my body and life right. I have a lot of regrets. I hate these regrets. I'm not sure why I can't shake them. 

I quit making goals for myself because I was so disappointed in myself for not reaching my goals. The disappointment of failure plagued me so much that I stopped making goals. But in group therapy the therapist told us to make a mission statement based on values for the new year. I liked that so I'm gonna try it. 

In order to do my mission statement I have to examine what I value....

Some things I value:

1) My relationship with Christ. 

2) My health

3) Good relationships

4) My future. 

So I have to craft a mission statement to include these values. 

In doing this I have reevalute my behaviors. One such behavior is with men....

I met Adam online a few weeks before Christmas. I gave him my number and we started chatting December 26. We met in person on New Year's Day for dinner at his house. We had a good conversation. One January 7....

This is the behavior that I MUST change. I feel like he's someone I can be with. He's stable, believes in God (even though he doesn't go to church) he's not into drama, etc. I'm just tired of wondering.....wondering if I will ever be with someone. Wondering if anyone will ever love me like I love him. 

But, despite this I will keep moving forward....

Con Artist: I'm Tired of Trying to Buy Love

Characteristics of Self-Hate:

Self-sacrificing

Putting yourself last

Over giving

Doing more that you are paid for

Under charging

Giving and throwing yourself under the bus

These are all things that Dr Venus Opal is saying in her series, "Hot Mess Millionaire."

I'm built for more!!! is what she says and I felt that!!!

I met the Con three years ago on POF. He was attractive and there was something about him....On his page he talked about where he worked and how he was debt free....I was intrigued, but I was also (don't know the word)....So we didn't move forward. 

Then in September I was on POF for a hot minute and we chatted. I'm not sure if he remembered me, but we exchanged numbers and friended each other on FB and started chatting. Things really got to rolling when we FaceTimed dated in October and then I sent him a full body pic of myself. About 10 days later I was in his house, in his bed....

It wasn't good. It was ok, not good. So we moved on. He left to work out of town and about 10 days later I got a FaceTime from him. He said he was stranded in Indiana and didn't have money to get home. He wanted to know if I could wire him some money. I sent him $250. He said he was gonna give me half my money back when he got back to town and the other half when he got paid. He got back to town, I didn't hear from him. Three days later I called him and he was down and out about not having money to travel back to Indiana for work. I loaned him $175. He was supposed to go to work at 3am, but the next day he was still in town. I was confused, but I didn't say anything. Four days later I texted him and he said he was depressed. He was supposed to get paid and give me back my money, but according to him he hadn't gotten his check yet. I told him to come over. He said he didn't have gas money and money to get groceries. Me in my self-hatred (trying to buy love) I offered him gas money so I gave him money for gas ($35) and $160 for food and he agreed to pay me back when he got his checks. 

That was almost a month ago. So far I've only seen $200 of the $620 that he owes me and he didn't want to pay me the $200. So now here I am looking stupid. 

He gets mad at me when I don't want to have sex with him. He gets mad at me when I say he's acting like a shyster. 

But I'm done. Yes, I NEED my $420, but I don't care if he gives it back to me. I just want to be emotionally free, spiritually free, mentally free. I want to quit getting with con men. 

Dr Venus and Apostle William Rogers, Jr says, "The real measure of success is how many times you get back up!!"

So I'm getting back up and walking away from this foolishness. 

Four Dreams

 1. I was holding my niece who is currently 22 months old. She started repeating the words that I was saying--bus, red, etc. Right now my niece is not saying words. She's saying sounds, but no actual words. Usually, by this age toddlers will be saying a lot of words. At her 18 month check up, the doctor wanted to get her speech therapy. But my sister was reluctant. She called my mom and my mom kinda steered her away from it, saying that my niece would talk when she wants to talk. I think my sister should have gotten her the appointments. My niece shows signs of being on the spectrum. True these signs can be benign and any toddler could exhibit them, but the signs along with the speech delay may tell us something. But I had the dream and in the past sometimes my dreams have meant something and sometimes they have meant nothing--they were just dreams. 

2. I can't remember fully what I was doing, but my aunt who is obese and on dialysis was climbing a ladder or stairs and as she was going up, somehow she slipped and fell flat on her back with her eyes wide open. I was horrified. Blood started coming from her midsection.  I woke up. I love my aunt, she is the matriarch of the family now. But she's sick. I want her to live a long life because she's sort of a rock for me. I pray that God grant her grace for longevity.

3. The third dream I can't remember where I was--my house I think and Apostle was praying in the house. Then he came up to me really close and touch the left side of my belly and said something like, "I had that same pain, it was my appendix."  Then I woke up. Before going to bed I had a dull pain on the left side fo my belly. Of course I googled after I woke up and found that the appendix is on right side. So, again, was this God trying to warn me about something? IDK. It was weird. I need to get back on my diet. I've gained 8lbs and it's not comfortable. 

4. Last night I had a dream that I was in the location--kinda like a mall and I was walking by and you know how you see someone, but don't necessarily want to speak to them. My Apostle saw me and was going to walk by, but I yelled to speak to him and Prophetess. I started to walk towards the, but remembered COVID and did an air hug. They air hugged me back. Then I woke up.

I don't know what all this means. I do know that I need to get my life right. Things started getting bad right after we had communion at church on September 19. I was so excited about it--honoring the Lord and what He's done for me, for the body of Christ. It was like satan just unleashed on my after that. I met Boiler Guy and things have gone to crap for me...Not totally, but my heart has been divided and I can't seem to get it together.....

Giving Group

 I have joined the Team No One Left Behind giving group. It's a wonderful opportunity, but it's a job. 

I'm so tired right now I don't have the energy to talk about it, but it's a good group. I'm substitute teaching and working my full time job. OMG, Jesus help me!!

To be continued....

Do You Really

In my twilight (almost awake, but still sleep) this morning I was thinking about the curriculum that I was putting together and I need a name. I'm thinking of calling it, "Do You Really Want To Change Your Life?"

Who doesn't?

Who doesn't want to get better.

One of my pastors has been talking about the spirit of Cain and how he was plagued by the spirit of jealousy. Whew chile.....I have some jealous feelings that I need God to deal with!! And I thank Him for deliverance!!

So in order to change your life, the first thing you must do is CHANGE YOUR MIND!!

Change your mind about whatever it is that you are dealing with. That's not easy to do, it takes practice and discipline, but it can happen!! Some times little by little and sometimes overnight, the change happens. Most of the time you can't pinpoint when it happens, but it happens....

Get Back Up Again

I THANK GOD for His grace and mercy.

I slipped and fell Friday night. I let my mind just go where it wanted to go and it lead my body down the wrong path and I sinned. But I used what I have learned and asked for forgiveness and went on to bed. I felt convicted and asked for forgiveness and I tried not to beat myself up to much and I went on about my business. Saturday ended up being a really good day. A woman asked me to pray for her. I felt a twing of guilt, but I trusted God and prayed. I also realized what lead up to me falling.

Golf guy....

Yeah, I can't blame my sin on someone else, but the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:33 TLB, "Don't be fooled....If you listen to them you will start acting like them." All golf guy wants to talk about is sex and how to "conquer" women. His goal, in the name of not being lonely, is to have sex with women. He got upset with me when I told him he didn't want to commit. Actually, what I told him wasn't the whole truth. It's not that he doesn't want to commit, its that he's insecure about his position financially and anatomically (small penis syndrome). 

So anyway....

He's sending me these text about all these women he wants to sleep with and one of his other friends that has found a new man and she's sleeping with him and she also been in a long term relationship with a married man...OMG. Every time I get a text from him I roll my eyes because not only does he want to engage in these crazy behaviors, he tries to encourage me to engage with Mr Ohio and the liar. 

I'm so over it!!

I can't do this relationship anymore. In the past he served his purpose and I thank God for bringing him into my life because I've learned so much about men from listening to him and asking questions, but I've progressed and he doesn't get it!!  

So I have to stop "listening to him" because I'm starting to engage in that behavior and I've fought too hard to get away from all of that!!!

Even Though I FEEL This Type of Way Don't Mean I AM This Type of Way

My identity is NOT my feelings. So even though I FEEL a certain way I have to separate that from who I AM. This is important because for a long time I had feelings that were contrary to the word of God....

I struggled and struggled and struggled with my sexuality. I loved sex. I was abused as a child and it caused me to be hypersexual and promiscuous and the devil used that as condemnation. I felt so bad about myself because I didn't know how to deal with my body. I didn't know how to deal with sin in my body. I didn't know what to do with the feelings that I had. So I just lived in shame and condemnation. It plagued me and I tried and tried and tried to be good, but I couldn't. It was only recently when I listened to Joyce Meyer explain grace. She said, if there is no sin, there is no guilt. I can't be sentenced (punished) for something that is no there. 

Yes, we all sin, but we ask God for forgiveness and we work on repenting and not doing it again. Then God throws whatever we did away and he forgets it. There is no sin as God is concerned, so there is no guilt and shame for that. That doesn't give us the license to do things on purpose and deliberately do things just so that God can forgive us, but it helps us to understand God's love for us and how much He wants to help us live this life. 

Well, the only saints used to say, "I'm waiting on my change to come," and God has done it again. He has brought me out more because now I've learned that when I have sinful feelings and sinful lust and sinful thoughts, I DON'T have to to bow to that because that's not who I am. I am the righteousness of God. I am redeemed by the blood of the lamb. Just because I'm tempted, just because a thought comes to my mind, that doesn't define me. Those temptations aren't my name. Redeemed is my name. So that's why God has given me and I can fully use the power to CAST DOWN imaginations--thoughts temptations and thoughts that are coming to my mind. I can cast the devil out because that's now who I am

Thank you Jesus!!!

Idolatry of Marriage

I was listening to Jackie Hill Perry talk to KevOnStage and she made the comment about, "the idolatry of marriage," and it stuck out to me because I am a single woman and I desire to be married. Marriage has been on my mind for quite some time (years) and despite the fact that I wasn't that "I wanna go to college to find a husband," type girl, it does preoccupy my mind a lot. 

Right before getting out of bed this morning I started to fantasize about meeting a guy and not wanting to indulge in a relationship with him. This was a guy of my dreams, "saved, love Jesus, priorities in order, etc", but because I was whole within myself (not wanting or needing anything) I wasn't too concerned about him. Of course this was as short lived fantasy because I needed to get out of bed, but it's like I want to be in that position where I don't NEED marriage. The divorce rate is pretty high and sometimes even higher in the church so that lets me know two things--either you married the wrong person for the wrong reason or you married the right person, but because the devil hates commitment, hates the sanctity of love and marriage, you allowed him to enter in and overtake what God has put together. I don't want to be in either of those camps. I don't want to get married because I want to have sex, I don't want to get married because I need a second income or because I'm lonely. I want to get married because it's what God wants for me and I can be an asset to someone. Marriage is already a responsibility and when there is an imbalance in the relationship, there is an added burden that one has to bear and life is already a challenge, why add more to that? 

We Don't Think in Words

This morning before waking I was dream/fantasizing about sex with Mister. I wasn't quite sleep, but I wasn't quite awake either....

Whenever this happens I wake up feeling, not guilty, not quite bad, but some kind of way because I don't want to have sinful imaginations, but I'm sleeping and am not always in control....but I don't want to deal with these spirits. OMG!!

So as my Pastor was teaching this morning she said, "We don't think in words, we think in pictures." She referenced the scripture, "We can demolish every deceptive fantasy that opposes God and break through every arrogant attitude that is raised up in defiance of the true knowledge of God, We capture, like prisoners of war, every through and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One." 2 Corinthians 10:5 TPT.

She was telling us that we have the authority to cast down what the enemy brings to us. We have to take authority over all of those images, fantasies, that are against God. 

She was telling us that we have to dismantle everything that the enemy is trying to use against us, "Break down their alters, smash their sacred stones and burn their Asherah poles in the fire; cut down the idols of their gods and wipe out their names from those places." Deuteronomy 12:3.

The she encourages us to remind of that Jesus already defeated the enemy and He gave us that power too, "And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." Colossians 2:15 

So I thank God for the word of God and for His power and freedom!!

Chest Pain & MS

I do not like scary dreams.....

On Monday night I was awakened at around 4am because I had a scary dream about my uncle. I was downstairs of his house and my aunt was in the bedroom right off the stairs. I was watching him walk down the stairs and telling him to be careful when all of a sudden he tumbled down. Not slide down on his butt, but head over feet almost like a cartwell type of tumble. He land in a seated position at the bottom of the stairs. I rushed over to him and he seemed to be okay, a little stunned, when all of a sudden he gripped his chest and I woke up in a panic. My anxiety level was so high. I tried to calm myself and go back to sleep, but this spirit of fear was tormenting me so I googled Tony Evans sermon Juanita Bynum sermon on fear. Juanita Bynum really helped me. She said that we have to counteract the spirit of the devil with the spirit of the Lord. I have to go back and rewatch it because I was really digging what she was saying.  

I was so tired on Tuesday and I went to sleep a little earlier and last night I had a dream that my sister had MS-multiple sclerosis. She's waiting on results from a biopsy from two masses in her breast. I really think they are benign. We haven't had breast cancer in our family. 

But, both of those dreams are very troubling. When I talked to my uncle on the phone on Tuesday he told me that had to go to the ER on Sunday because he was having chest pains.  

God, what are you saying? This is so stressful. 

I really believe the dreams are my anxiety and the spirit of fear tormenting me.  

Estrogen Dominance

I'm just wondering.....I have high estrogen/estrogen dominance. In the past my dr gave me compounded progesterone to help lower it, but it's expensive and the pharmacy that I get it from close a few years ago. So I haven't been able to use it. So my estrogen became high again. Could excess estrogen be the reason for my blood clots? I had a pulmonary embolism 20 days postpartum. This was in 2004. I was treated with warfarin for 7 months. I had a DVT last year and my estrogen levels really high. I was tested for Lupus Anticoagulant and it came back positive, but I was taking Xarelto during the test which means that I could have had a false positive....I'm just thinking out loud and wondering.... 

Don't Take Me To The Little Room

I'm sitting in a hospital waiting room right now at BJC. My uncle had to have surgery--the gastric sleeve. He's been battling his weight all of his life. The only time he has been able to lose weight was when he went to military school.  So after years succumbing to an eating disorder and then adding alcoholism onto to that, he's not in good shape health wise. His weight ballooned to about 600lbs. A few years ago he wanted to have the gastric bypass surgery and they told him that he needed to lose 100lbs. Well, he didn't lose it. I don't know what was going on in his life at that time, but his drinking increased and instead of losing the weight, he gained even more. In 2019 he called to ask me if he could come live with me. At that time I was a little hesitant because I was still in remodel mode and the only sleeping area in my house was the family room which I was sleeping in. So there was going to have to be some changes to my living arrangements. I wasn't too keen on him coming, but he's family and he was in need and when I've been in need I've had people help me and I wanted to see my uncle healthy so I was gonna make the changes. But, things didn't go as planned. He ended up falling and the fire department had to be called to get him up. It was so humiliating. Then he became homebound. He wasn't able to walk like he used to. He needed homecare to help him.

In December he asked me if I could transport him to his doctors appointment and the dr told him that if he lost 100lbs in 3 months he'd do the surgery. This was December 2019 and my uncle was 586lbs. In January he was about 602. He was gonna come live with me February 1 so that he could get a handle on his eating habits, but then his sister got sick. But despite that something clicked and he lost about 80lbs by March 13. The doctor scheduled the surgery for April 23.

Then.....

Covid-19

The pandemic put a stop to life as we know it.

This dampened his spirit. This and the fact that his sister was put on hospice and on March 26 she lost her battle with heart disease. He was slipping back into his old ways and I was doing what I could to encourage him. I understand the struggle. I don't have an eating disorder, but I fighting off strongholds in my sexual character. The struggle is real!! But God is BIGGER than the struggle. And I've been trying to convey that to him. The word of God has been freeing me from the torments of hell and it can free anyone, but it takes consistent work. Jesus died for our sins and if we confess and believe in Him we are saved and have our place in eternity with him, but living the kingdom life here on earth is a whole different thing. Salvation is one thing. Sanctification is a whole other ball game. Salvation is free. Sanctification requires sacrifice. The flesh must be crucified and the crazy thing is that we live in our flesh. So we have to discipline it daily and sometimes minute by minute, until God gives us the strength to no have the ungodly desires.

Anyway, I've been trying to help him understand this and sometimes I think that he thinks he has to have the power to do it himself. But we can't live this life in our own strength. God is a jealous God. We have to depend on Him, but we want to be independent and our pride gets involved and we want to work really really hard to do it ourselves. 

So April 23 came and went and he was getting discouraged. The day after his sister's burial, April 9, he got some blood work results back and his potassium was high. He was nervous and called me. We talked and he felt better. They did the test again and it was better. But then he started retaining fluid. This concerned him and then he ended up in the hospital. 

Kidney disease....stage 3.

Heartbreaking.....

We didn't know what that meant for his surgery, where the kidney disease came from? He was scared. They mentioned cancer and some other causes. We both were concerned.

He got out of the hospital and had to have more test run to determine the cause and as we waited his doctor schedule his surgery for June 4. So I'm here today because he had his surgery.

I wasn't able to sleep all last night. I think I might have fallen asleep after 1am and had to be up at 5:30am to get on the highway to come to the hospital. I beat the ambulance to the hospital and they wheeled him back to surgery around 9:45am. He told me that his surgery would be about 2.5 hours long. But before surgery he had to have his blood taken again to test his potassium because it had been too high. They gave me a pager that tells me updates and I can watch the screen to get updates also. I saw on the screen that he was in pre op so I thought everything we going smoothly. Then it said, surgery in progress. So I started the countdown. He should be out by noon, 1pm at the latest. One oclock came and went. Then I got a message on the pager that said surgery started. WHAT? I went to the front desk and they explained to me that "surgery in progress" means that he's been transported to the operating room. But sometimes it takes about an hour before they start the surgery. The "surgery has started" message was to tell me when they started the first cut. Ok. so now I'm looking at 3-4pm as the end time. 

Around 3:15pm the message on the screen said, "close." Then the front desk sent me a message to come talk to them. The staff person said he was taking me to "consult." 

I got nervous....

I had just seen a doctor in the lobby come out to talk to a woman about her husband's progress. He was having some type of surgery done to his privates. The dr mentioned his scrotum. So when the person took me back to the little room, my anxiety skyrocketed. I couldn't breathe. I had to take my mask off because my heart was racing. I was pacing in the little room and when the doctor came in I told him I didn't like the little room. He eased my mind by telling me that they are almost done. The reason they took me to the little room was because there were some minor complications. 

They had a hard time getting the breathing tube in, but once it was in the sleeve part went fine. The dr said his liver was huge, but he had no problem moving it out of the way to get to the stomach. Midway through the sleeve process the breathing tube was coming out so they had to stop. When I talked to my aunt who was a respiratory therapist she said she's never heard of that problem before. She said that maybe they didn't put it in right and that may have been because of his weight. But he made it through and now he's in recovery.

I'll be getting back on the highway soon because I can't see him due to COVID-19. I hope he's able to talk tomorrow because I want to talk to him....

I Feel Good Today

Despite the turmoil that we are in today, I feel good! I mean I kinda want to get back in the bed and close my eyes, but I'm not tired like I had been feeling. But, I gained 2lbs. WHAT????

I've been staying at home since March 20 and I haven't gained anything, but the minute I stop taking my meds I gain weight. I only stopped because I ran out and I don't want to spend the money to see the doctor for a refill. I'm not sure if I need a dr visit to get a refill, but I needed to do something, so I took my old medicine two days ago and I felt like crap. Last night I took it before going to bed.

Background...last year was rough, I gained 25lbs and the scale kept creeping up. In addition to my emotional roller coaster I was feeling like crap. Some days I could hardly get out of bed. I found an online nurse who specializes in thyroid and she encouraged me to have more test run and I found out that in addition to my thyroid and cortisol being low, my iron levels were extremely low. My doctor told me to eat more red meat. My ferritin levels were 16. The range was 15-252. HUH??? And all my dr had to say was eat more read meat. WOW. So I contacted another dr because I needed help. Stat!! I contacted Dr Christianson's office. The dr I met with ordered a round of iron infusions. I wanted to have them done before the year was out, but the pharmacy had to put the concoction together, so my first found was in January. I can't say that I felt 100% better, but with the new meds-Nature Throid and the iron I did feel better. My thyroid levels still weren't optimal so my dr upped the dosage and ordered a 90 day supply. I just ran out in mid-May so I went back to my old meds.  Bad move because I felt like crap. The problem, I think is with my cortisol levels. They are so low. My cortisol levels in the morning are 8 and the range is 13-24. My afternoon cortisol is 5 and the range is 5-10 so I'm still on the low end for the afternoon. In the evening my level is 7 with a range of 3-8 so that is on the high end and at night the level is 4 with a range of 1-4. So when I take levo in the morning with such low cortisol levels I feel like crap. I need to get it together so that I can feel better. But I read somewhere that someone was taking their thyroid hormones at night so I decided to try it. I'm supposed to start back working June 19 and for a while after I stopped taking my meds I didn't have the energy to do much. I was supposed to put a shed in the back yard, plant a garden, build a doorway for the bedroom that had to be taken down to put up the bathroom door...whew... I'm so far behind in my household duties.....    

But I Want To Talk To Someone

I miss talking to Golf guy. I mean he was my buddy until he told me he wasn't. 

Background....

When Golfer and I first started talking we always had to debate about men and women being friends. He was adamant that it was impossible. His rational was that someone would always want something different from the other. I was always bucking that thinking because men and women have to look past what's between legs. I mean I am more than just my vagina and I have more to offer than just my vagina. I'm a good friend and I can be a good friend to a man. I thought maybe over the past two years we got past that, but the last time I talked to him he reminded me that we are only friends because we don't live in the same city--he lives west of Chicago. So I just began to back away. I already have enough insecurities, I don't need someone who plays into to those insecurities. 

But one thing I loved is that we could talk. Not necessarily talk about everything, but talk. One of the last conversations we were having was him asking me what I thought about him and relationships. I didn't want to offend him by telling him that his insecurities keep him from committing to a relationship so I just told him that he didn't want to commit. Which is true. He has a commitment problem but its caused by his insecurities. So he was defensive about this and he told me that I didn't know him at all. I know him, I just didn't want to offend him and in not wanting to offend him I offended him. WOW!

But I miss the relationship....the relating. And that's what I want. Someone to talk to. But I want to talk to someone who is a believer because there is a comradery an encouragement....If Perry wants to be friends so we could talk, I'd talk to him. I'm in that state where the Golfer is right now. My insecurities are causing me not to want to be in a relationship right now. And I need God to deliver me from these insecurities, in Jesus name!

  

  

How Do You Know?

Last night was a bit rough.....

I've been trying to steer clear of the news....first corona, now racism is blowing up my timeline and it's so disturbing. Not the mention the rash of violence that has been going on in my city. Absolutely heartbreaking and atrocious. I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night asking God to help us. I know He sees and I know He knows, but ......

In the midst of all of this, it's hard to just go about your daily life. I mean, people are hurting. But life still goes on and its like us black people are under a cloud. As a believer I operate under kingdom rule--in the spirit there is neither male nor female, jew nor gentile (Galatians 3:26-28), but the world will still put limitations on me because of my skin color, my gender, etc. And my job is not to fight the world, but fight the good fight of faith. I couldn't help to see all the rioting going on and I know that sometimes believers we will put a scripture to try to justify something, but the only thing I could think of was Jesus overturning the tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). Jesus had a holy anger. I had to try to keep myself (guard my heart) from being angry and looking at the rioting and looting as justifiable. Yes, there are times when we will have a holy anger to deal with something, but we don't want to go to the extreme and not forgive. We also don't want to live in fear of police or those in authority. God help us, please!!

Anyway, in the midst of all this....

I was gonna text a good friend of mine about Perry. Since talking to Dr Banks my interest if peaked, but I'm in a conundrum. I mean, yes, I want to date, I want to get to know someone and get married, but I'm in a funk about it. I don't feel comfortable in me. I've gained 27lbs and it's uncomfortable. I'm dealing with mild health conditions that if they aren't corrected will turn into major health conditions. I'm conscious of my mental health and strongholds in my life. I'm still working on discipline. So is this the time for me to be involved? I'm kind of grateful for the weight gain because it's keeping me away from men, but God, what do you want? I've been dealing with insecurity that's tied to the stronghold of fear in my life. So I dont' want to go to the extreme and allow my pride to rule me.... 

So for the time being I opted not to text her and I went to bed. As I was settling down, my old ways started creeping in. Fantasizing about what could be. I mean the fantasies started aggressively. I kept casting down those imaginations and then it hit me. This is the enemies way of trying to lure me back. I've been walking out of the spirit of perversity and God has been delivering me, but now a man is interested in me and my mind is trying to take me back there. The Bible tells us that we aren't igonorant of Satan's devices and this is a tactic that he is using to try to get me back entangled and I REFUSE. I mean I fought and fought and fought so hard to be free in my mind. I REFUSE to go back. So I'm gonna just leave the Perry Hill situation alone!! 

As I was going to sleep I was awakened by a little noise. I thought maybe there was a mouse so I started to fear. I began to pray and I went back to sleep, Then another noise. Dangit...please don't let there be a mouse. Then more noise, prayer, falling asleep. Then my body shook really hard. I don't know why. More prayer. Then the printer came on shining a bright light. WHY? Ok, Holy Spirit....the Blood of Jesus. I need to pray for someone. So I began to pray as I was falling back to sleep because something was going on. I don't know if this was the enemy tormenting me with the spirit of fear of if I really needed to pray for someone. I finally went to sleep and dreamed about something weird.

I really want to go visit Dr Banks on Wednesday when I go home, but my insecurity is getting the best of me. I'm going to start working on a diet plan to lose this weight.....

Thank God for Angels

God is So GOOD! I'm amazed at His love and His grace. I'm sitting here almost in tears because I just got off the phone with one of my mentors, Dr Freddie A Banks. I haven't seen him in a couple of years--since maybe 2012 when he was being honored by his city. 

Dr Banks was one of my advisors in college. He was passionate about helping minority students to become teachers. And in doing so he inspired so many of us. 

I'm not much of a social media person so every once in a while I will delete every thing and when I get back on I have to refriend people. I got a friend request about a week ago from a fellow college mate, Perry Hill IV. Of course when you accept you have to scroll through the timeline to catch up on a person's life. Not sure if he did that of me, but I looked at his timeline life. He reached out to me on last night to tell me that Dr Banks would love to hear from me. But his message wasn't just that. There was "something" there. I wasn't sure what and it was almost 10pm and I was in bed, and I didn't want to read into anything so I responded that I'd love to talk to Dr Banks....

THU 10:21 PM

Hello How are you? I spoke to Dr. Banks today and he mentioned you. He wondered how you were and reminisced about your surprise presence at an appreciation event months ago. Would you be willing to call him if I relay you his phone number? On another note, we will have chat soon.

Hey Perry. Yes I would love to talk to him. I miss you all.

The part at the end is what I didn't want to read into. So I just left it at that. I  called him a little while ago and while talking he told me that he mentioned to Perry that I was a fine young woman and that Perry should get to know me better. 

Whew....I don't even know why I'm getting emotional. I think it's because Perry and I were raised on two different sides of the track and my insecurity tells me that I'm not good enough for that caliber of man--the prim and proper man who has every I dotted and every T crossed. Perry reminds me a Mr Ohio, but only more Christian. Mr Ohio didn't go to church--he was a believer, but not a participator in the every day christian lifestyle. Perry is more of a kingdom minded participant. Dr. Banks let me know that he and Perry are members of the same church--Friendship Baptist Church in E St Louis. He also let me know that Perry is back at home in E St Louis. I mentioned that I visit home to take care of my uncle and he invited me to come visit. Now I'm really self conscious. I've gained weight-almost 30lbs and I'm not very confident in myself--well God is working on my insecurities so going to visit him is not something that I really want to do even though I really want to visit.  

I want to visit and I want to talk to Perry, but timing is everything and I'm so......right now. I mean, I'm so ready for the next chapter in my life, but AM I? I don't want to hang on to the past, but it seems like it's still hanging around and I'm still running away from it. 

As I was thinking of a maybe prospect I remembered Dr Banks and his marriage. I'm not sure when he got married, but it was later in life to a woman who had already had children-7 children I think. And Dr Banks is a prim and proper dude. Oh the possibilities.....  

I'm Not Guilty....

...the personality issues and relationship problems—were rooted in the fact that I didn’t like myself. And when you don’t like yourself, it’s very difficult to get along with anyone else...-Joyce Meyer

I've been on a journey during this time of staying at home and I thank God for this journey. It's been a journey of freedom. Freedom from fear, insecurity, self-pity, guilt and shame. The mind is a powerhouse and it controls everything. So renewing the mind is paramount to walking in the freedom that God has for me. Joyce Meyer has a 25-day study on the Battlefield of the Mind, so everyday I've been reading (and trying to meditate) on what I've been learning. One thing that resonated with me a while ago and she reminded me of today is, I'm Not Guilty! 

When Jesus died on the cross, He died to forgive me of my sins. So when I accept Christ I accept his sacrifice and I accept his forgiveness. Which means there is no more sin that I have to be convicted of. When a person robs a bank, they can be arrested and convicted of that crime. Then, that conviction has a sentence assigned to it. However, when Jesus forgives us, there is no conviction. There is no jury declaring me guilty. So I don't have to be ashamed of what I've done. The Bible teaches that when we are forgiven God removes our sin and doesn't remember it...as far as the east is from the west-Psalms 103:12. Since the sin is removed there is no crime. There is nothing that someone can say I'm guilty of. That was so hard for me to understand and I'm still "walking it out" in my everyday life because there is always something that the devil tries to bring to my memory that I should be ashamed of. But I thank God for his word and for His freedom!!

Because of this I'm learning to like and love myself!!  

Strongholds Pt 4

I'm still having strange dreams. The other night I had a dream that I was spooning with someone and they were behind me and I could feel their private parts on me. I could vaguely make out who it was. Strangely it seemed like it was my sister. What is going on?

I'm committed to making this change and, "go all the way with the Lord." I just have to be patient and consistent. I have to, "wait on my change to come," as the old saints used to say. But it does seem like I'm doing all this blindly. It's like, if I"m working out I can see the pounds decrease as I'm going, but I don't see any change. I just have to have faith that my life is changing and that God is working and fighting for me. I have to keep up my part!!

Thank you Jesus!!

Strongholds Pt3

As I'm walking through this deliverance journey the enemy is really manifesting some things. Sometimes deliverance is not immediate and we have to "walk out of" some things. It's almost like exercise. If I need to lose 40lbs (and I do) I have to consistently eat right and exercise. I can't do it for a week and be done. It doesn't work that way. So last night I had a strange dream.

Background....

In 2001 I dated Marvin. When we met he told me he was single and I wasn't interested in him immediately. It took about 6 months. We dated for 6 months before his wife called me. WTH?!

Yep, he lied to me. His wife had left him and moved to Florida, but now she was back.

So I broke up with him.

Last night as I was going to sleep, I felt the panic coming. I started listening to Joyce Meyer and it was helping. Then early in the morning I started to dream about Marvin. He was working in some  type of office. He was suit and this was SO different from the real Marvin I know. Marvin was always a blue collar. Not a suit, but here he was looking dapper and handsome in this suit. We somehow left his office and I guess we were at his place because I was in his bed with only my panties on. WHAT?? This was such a strange dream. There I was sitting in his bed, I guess watching tv or whatever and he was sitting next to me. Then I woke up.

Again, I know that this deliverance is going to be a journey but I cast down and renounce every past ungodly relationship and I cast into in to hell where it belongs. I don't want to hold on to anything ungodly.

So I pray that God show His hand of deliverance in my life, in Jesus name. Amen